Haikus & Spiritual Views

Self Loathing

amandolita — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 02:38:08 +0000

Self Loathing
Self Medicating
by Self Mutilation

Maybe I’m just selfish

amandolita — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 23:37:30 +0000

Richard says I should get some help
But, Rich doesn’t know shit
He says he used to love me
But I know he never did
And now I’m scratching off my skin
Pulling out my hair
I really can’t help it
I love it when you pretend to care

Do you mean it?

amandolita — Sun, 28 Dec 2008 06:05:24 +0000

You said our relationship
“collapsed”

Well, maybe it did.

It collapsed because
I couldn’t support the weight
all by myself

Standing perfectly still
holding it over my head
while you laid with her

amandolita — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 04:39:51 +0000

do you remember your confirmation party?

remember when we danced to Come Sail Away?

because you loved Freaks & Geeks…

& you loved me

but you dont anymore

and you love someone else

& youre going to dance with her

& i cant handle it

i look really pretty right now

in a sad way

my hair is pulled back,

and my eyes are red

they look more blue than usual,

my lips are swollen

& my cheeks are flushed

i just looked in a mirror

i look beautiful

but it doesnt matter how beautiful i look

or how hard i cry

because youre still with her

& i try so hard

& i dont understand

how we could go from dancing to styx, to this

sitting a hundred miles away, only speaking through a computer

because you “cant” just listen to me cry

how could this happen?

how could you loose love for me

how could i loose you?

know what the most pathetic part is?

im still hoping that deep down you’re still in love with me,

as much as you always did,

but youre afraid of getting hurt

i just cant face the reality that someone could fall out of love with me.

i cant face all my flaws

that someone who loved me could get tired of me.

i love you with everything i have

& its just…not good enough

Does she love you like I love you?

Do you think she ever will?

Does she love you with all of her heart?

Without you, would her world end?

Does she think you’re her soul mate?

Would she take a bullet for you?

Does she love you completely for everything you are.

Are you her world?

Do you think she could ever dedicate herself to you like I did?

I dont dedicate myself to anything.

I dont ever try or work hard.

I dont love anything,

not a book, not a movie, not any type of music.

Im not passionate about anything.

But I love you

You are incredibly lucky

id kill for someone to love me

i dont want to be stuck like this forever

lolololita

amandolita — Wed, 29 Oct 2008 03:21:02 +0000

I’ve come to terms that
Older cynical men
are enthralled with me
I mean men that have really been hurt
Men that have lost faith in the world

They are drawn
Almost hypnotized
by my innocence

They are under the impression
That I’m an angel
Pure and true
Coming to save their tattered soul

That if they touch deep enough in me
they can reach my eternal sunshine
and grab it
Harness it for themselves

They think pressing their bodies against mine
will rub my warmth onto them

Maybe it will
for a little bit at least

But I would never let them
Without my purity, I’d be the same as you
Empty and cold

Let’s Play a Drinking Game

amandolita — Sat, 25 Oct 2008 05:38:37 +0000

I’m his girl
And we do this crazy romantic thing
Where I hold his chaser
While he chugs his rum
So he can chase his memories of me away

Cancer Boy

amandolita — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 23:24:09 +0000

You are a cancer
of my mind and my heart
and of the stars
Cancer; ruled by the moon
The full moon we wandered under
Only one lonely night
You were soaring
Maybe you were up there with the moon
I don’t know.
I was perfectly grounded
Feet dragging down the concrete
I can’t remember
If we even said two words
Our synchronized steps said enough

I dreaded the next moon
It wasn’t the same moon
We wandered under
Only one lonely night

The Army Wife

amandolita — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 22:11:04 +0000

If I could stop, I’m not sure I would. Loving him has been the greatest thing thats happened to me, but its also been the worst. The sleepless nights, spent worrying about him, have taken a toll on me. I’m always wondering what he’s doing at the very moment, if he’s alive or not, if he’s just killed a man, or if his friend just fell beside him. What worries me the most is that he’s not afraid to die. Its almost like a trophy to him, an honor to die serving his country. Heroic, I know, but I’d rather have him home with me, sitting in his arm chair while I cooked dinner like I’ve grown used to.

Pregnancy

amandolita — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 22:06:11 +0000

I watched the water drip in a painfully slow rhythm onto my plump, pink excuses for toes that stuck out of the murky, soapy water like tiny floating bald heads. The droplets were ice cold and welcoming. The hot bath was making me numb, in a heavy heartbeat sort of way. When your heart beats slow and steady and it feels like its sinking deeper into your chest.
I guess heartbeats is what got me into this trouble. I glanced at my swollen stomach and my protruding bellybutton that made me naseous to look at.

Thunderstorms II

amandolita — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 22:01:01 +0000

So I’m putting this situation into God’s hands

God
Smite me now
If you think it’s my time
I hear your fury
I’m waiting outside

Grasping a metal pole
I look to the sky
Are you ready for me, God?
Cause I’m ready to die